I Feel So Much, And That Makes Me Ashamed: The Truth Behind Enneagram 3s And Emotion
I am a tried and true Enneagram 3. There’s no other number that so comprehensively identifies me as this one. 95% of the traits that are listed in association with 3s are so spot on for me that it can sometimes feel alarming.
So when it comes to the assumptions behind 3s and their ability to mask emotions, I accepted this as law and didn’t question if these behaviors were healthy. But as I’m moving into healthier thought patterns and into a general direction of integration, I’m realizing that the reason why I have these tendencies to emotionally mask comes from the expectations that I’ve put myself under (something I think a lot of 3s do). In an effort to better understand myself, and to assist a community of 3s in its pursuit of betterment, I wanted to critically think about our emotional processing and better understand why we mask, and how to be healthier.
First, it’s worth remembering that 3s have 2 and 4 wings. The 2 wing is a sensitive, empathetic people pleaser. It’s important for 2 wings to serve others and to feel validated in terms of their ability to be helpful and comforting. 4s are deeply complex creatures with a wide array of emotions and the desperate need for autonomy. As a 3, I find myself presenting with more of a 2 wing (I’m also an eldest daughter, and I think that perpetuates the desire to help others) but I certainly have a 4 wing as well — a side of myself that I have loathed from pretty much the moment I learned of the Enneagram.
Why did I hate my 4 side? Because it felt selfish and emotionally dictatorial. It felt vulnerable and abrasive — far too open and exposed, incredibly self centered, and by no means in line with the image I set up for myself. I was selfless, driven, charming, accomplished, and likable. My emotions did not control me, and the 4-wing made me feel as if they did. In true 3 form, I spent years emotionally stuffing — because emotions made me uncomfortable, because emotions were unproductive, and because I’d been labeled dramatic by friends and family to the point where I felt my emotions were a detriment, not an asset. Therefore, they had to go.
3s are constantly evaluating themselves like a balance sheet: assets and liabilities. The goal of a 3 is to have the assets far outweigh the liabilities. Because emotions awaken a multitude of deeply buried insecurities and vulnerabilities within us, we tend to count them as liabilities. That’s why they lie so far beneath the surface for us.
For me, this has resulted in some really harmful behaviors in the past — drinking, self harm, vaping, insurmountable insomnia — all of which were a function of doing anything to keep those emotions deep within me where they belong. I remember when I started cutting myself. I was 23, and it was after a really awful breakup that decimated my professional and personal lives. I moved cities in a Hail Mary effort to survive, and started cutting neat, deep lines in the underside of my left forearm because that pain made me feel something aside from the deep, suppressed turmoil in my chest that threatened to detonate at any moment.
Recently, I experienced something that brought up some of those old memories, and I pulled those old razor blades out and set them on the counter. I wanted to create pain as a form of self punishment for these weak feelings I didn’t want to exist within me. I had a eureka moment that night, while staring at those razor blades. Bracing my hands on both sides of my sink, I looked at myself and realized that I wanted to defend my future — faith, marriage, children, career— by acknowledging those emotions. These unhealthy patterns needed to be behind me. I knew it was time to embrace the difficult things I was feeling, put words to them, and process them.
I think that was the moment that I was able to reassign these emotions as an asset, not a liability, on my balance sheet.
It takes courage and discomfort to face emotions that make you feel like a failure. 3s are existentially positive about themselves and what they have control over, because to be negative is to admit defeat. Everything is future-thinking and designed around productivity. Because emotions feel unproductive and overwhelmingly past and present oriented, it’s easy to assign them a place in our mental closet where they can gather dust until the door bursts open. When I learned that dealing with my past and present emotions equipped me to be better in the future, I recognized the necessity to invest in acknowledging and regulating my feelings.
This past weekend, I had an honest conversation with my mom and dad about some frustrations I was experiencing. I noticed myself getting riled up, and moving from objective communication to attack-oriented communication. I wonder if that’s an attribute of a 3 — being forced to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions can make us move into the defensive, and when they aren’t validated in the way we want them to be, our claws come out. Or maybe that’s just me. As I get used to this secure communication style, I think that will get better—and I take full ownership of improving my response to conflict and validation (or lack thereof).
I realized recently that because my emotions make me feel vulnerable, they generate this profound sense of shame. When someone hurts me, I have shame that I allowed them to have that leverage. It always comes back to self-blame—how could you let this happen?—and the illusion that I’m the one in control of everything, so any pain I feel is a function of my own failure. It’s important for 3s to rewrite that narrative. We aren’t in control of the world. We aren’t in control of other people. We cannot dictate what happens—to us, for us, or around us—and we have to be okay with that. All we can control are our behaviors and our responses.
As I’m slowly coming to this conclusion and implementing it into my life, the peace it inspires is surprising, but very welcome. It’s enabled me to more meaningfully connect with the people that I love and has inspired the resurgence in several friendships that I deeply value. Dealing with the root of the problem has all but resolved the harmful behaviors — I still have to put rules around alcohol consumption (no drinking when emotional) and occasionally take a sleep aid to get back on track—but things have drastically improved from where they used to be.
I’ve learned that some people are safe, even when you’re at an incredibly vulnerable state — and that, no matter what, Jesus remains the safest place I know. He designed me with deep, complex emotions for a purpose. I can use those for His glory; “my utmost for His highest.” I can use how I feel to tell stories that make people feel seen, to empathize with those who don’t feel heard, and to help inspire and motivate a sense of Christ-driven identity in a generation of lost and hurting people.
I’m 27. The road is long. I’ve got a ways to go. But for the first time ever, I’m proud of the pieces of me that are a 4. These emotions aren’t invasive or inconvenient, they are tools for clear communication and deep connection. As I continue to move in a direction of integration, I will continue to embrace my feelings, reject shame, and celebrate who God designed me to be.
I wish the same for all my fellow 3s—deep, uninhibited appreciation of Who designed you and what He designed within you. It’s more beautiful than you could ever possibly imagine.
